Monday, May 9, 2011

Horde on aisle five!!

Remember Ralph Phillips from the old Looney Tunes? He was the youngster who had trouble listening to his teacher because he was always miles away in his imagination fighting aliens, sea monsters, or saving his parents from cannibalistic savages deep within the clutches of an unforgiving jungle.

Well, I had a Ralph Phillips moment yesterday. 

My wife and I were in the local "mega store" doing our weekly stockpiling of event she and I both loathe more than anything because the store is always crowded with people who are either sprinting, shouting, aimlessly wandering, or ignoring their obnoxious children.

As I tried to keep a mental note of what was needed for the upcoming week as well as the estimated total cost, I blew a fuse and drifted into a Ralph Phillips-like state.

I wondered what it would be like if everyone in the store...from the teenage boys dutifully helping their dads pick out last minute Mother's Day cards, to the elderly greeter, to the heavy-set woman on the motorized cart....were zombies.

How would I escape? COULD I escape? As crowded as it was I felt the only chance I would have would be to climb to the top of the shelving unit.....but what then?

The ceiling was covered with ironwork suitable for climbing, but how could I get that high? And would the duct work that snaked it's way throughout the store be strong enough to hold me if I were to try and crawl thru it? Could i get thru the skylights to safety?

As I ran scenario after scenario thru my mind an evil grin slowly split my face from ear to ear. I delighted in wondering what item I would grab as I charged thru the store dodging dozens of hungry zombies.

I thought a shopping cart would make a terrific blocker as I raced for the last bag of doritos, but knowing my luck I'd get the cart with the spinning wheel that keeps drifting to the left.

What would YOU go for first, if turned loose in a "mega store" with the undead hot on your tail? Medicine? Bottled water? Guns & ammo? Triscuits? 

Here's a suggestion for the next time you find yourself throwing elbows to get to the last box of Cheerios, or stuck in the express line behind someone with 47 items....take a deep breath, and channel your inner Ralph Phillips. When the zombies really do come, you'll be glad you did.

Aim high. Run fast.


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