Monday, August 15, 2011

That's What SHE Screamed

I don't watch a lot of television. Well that's not true. I actually DO watch a lot, but my short attention span usually dictates a constant flicking of the remote control with no more than a few seconds spent on any particular channel. One show I stop for every time, however, is NBC's "The Office." I've been hooked since episode one and look forward to next season.

Recently I had a thought….. how would the characters in "The Office" fare in a zombie apocalypse? I've given this some thought and have created a list of the characters, starting with the quickest to die and ending with the most likely to survive.

1. Kevin Malone - 10 minutes…tops.

Poor Kevin. This guy wouldn't have much of a chance. According to the hit movie "Zombieland", cardio is priority number one and I'm betting he doesn't have it. The character Kevin is also a very slow-witted type with lagging reflexes…unless there's cake.

2. Toby Flenderson - a couple of hours

Toby would most likely stay in his cubicle and simply shrug an unspoken "oh well" as the undead attacked.

3. Stanley Hudson - just a few hours

Stanley probably doesn't have the cardio either, but the main problem for this character is his heart. An 'over the top' fire drill from Dwight sent him straight to the hospital. I can't imagine he'd do much better with a city full of undead.

4. Ryan and Kelly - a day…maybe

Everyone familiar with the show knows that Kelly is way more devoted to Ryan than he is to her, so there's no doubt in my mind that he would ditch her in a heartbeat. Of course, he's not prone to making good decisions and could never survive on his own. Kelly, left all alone might be able to tap into her "fierceness" and slug a few zombies, but she wouldn't last long.

5. Phyllis (and Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration) - 3 days

Phyllis doesn't have the cardio either, but she does have Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration. No doubt he has access to some durable delivery trucks that might be able to take them quite a distance down the road, but with few provisions, and most likely no gas at the pumps, their days would be in the single digits.

6. Angela Martin - 3 days

As soon as the zombie poo would hit the fan, I'm sure Angela would hunker down in her home with her cats awaiting a chopper rescue from her gay state senator boyfriend…which would most likely never come. Once the cat food is gone, her precious "children" would turn on her and she'd become human meow mix.

7. Meredith - 3 days

Immediately running to Poor Richard's pub, Meredith would hunker down and drink herself into a catatonic state. The zombies would later greatly appreciate the vodka pickled taste of her gray matter.

8. Andy & Erin - a week

Andy and Erin run off together with Andy seeking help from his vast network of fellow Cornell grads….none of which come thru for him. To keep their spirits up, they sing songs which, of course, attracts the horde.

9. Oscar Martinez - a week

Unwilling to admit that those creating the chaos are actually zombies, Oscar eventually emerges from his home in an attempt to "talk" to the attackers. They aren't receptive.

10. Darryl - 2 weeks

With their size and strength, Darryl and his fellow warehouse buddies actually do pretty well fighting off the undead, but the greater the number, the harder it is to keep up the pace and eventually he is overcome.

11. Creed - several weeks

Creed is a slippery guy. Comments he has made in the past would lead one to believe that he has eluded capture many times before and this would be no different. His downfall would actually come from fellow survivors from whom, no doubt, he would steal provisions and vehicles.

12. Pam, Jim and baby Cece - a few years

Pam and Jim are pretty smart people. Most likely they would find their way thru the chaos and reluctantly take refuge with Michael in Colorado (I can see Jim making a pros and cons list the night before….pros, safety with Michael…cons, death..hmm…). What effects prolonged exposure to the high levels of Michael-Holly nerdity would have on their psyche is anyone's guess.

13. Michael and Holly - a few years

Having just moved to the Colorado, Michael and Holly would do pretty well. The cold of the rockies would greatly slow the pace of the undead, making maneuvering around them much easier, and in winter completely stop them in their tracks, giving Michael a captive audience for his new stand up routine.

14. Dwight K. Schrute - several years

Everyone laughed at Dwight whenever he spoke of his survival training, or his ability to make just about anything out of beets, but not anymore. He (and his cousin Moze) are quite possibly the sole survivors of the zombie apocalypse. The oncoming assault of undead came as no surprise to him, as he'd apparently dealt with them before. See THIS CLIP for proof of his knowledge of how to take out the undead.

These scenarios are just my personal theories, of course, but there's no doubt that they would ALL survive if only they had access to my ULTIMATE CAMOUFLAGE. Besides, buying that is a lot easier than working on cardio.

Aim high. Run fast. That's what she said.


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